I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i think my cat just said my name.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
