Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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