i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize