It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize