Quick, to the slutcave!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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