We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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