about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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