My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Randomize
