so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
