If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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