I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
