Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
