I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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