i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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