plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
