They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
