I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
