when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
