you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
