guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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