thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
