when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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