He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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