I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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