Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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