what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
