I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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