We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
