I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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