you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize