I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
