I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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