The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
