Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
