Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
