Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
