I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
