Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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