were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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