Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
