the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize