he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize