it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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