You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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