some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
