Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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