I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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