today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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