I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
