I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
