I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize