What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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