well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
