i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
