Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize