you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
