Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I want a musical about memes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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