oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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