Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
