i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
