Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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