so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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