I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize