Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
